The Hardest Memories
by Kimmimaru
Summary: Sometimes the hardest memories are the sweetest, sometimes we can unintentionally mislead those we love. SB/RL with a bit of SB/JP


AN: Right well, I shouldn't be posting this story on this site but fuck it, if it gets deleted then I also have an account elsewhere (Check my FF. Net profile for more info) I am sorry to say that due to crackdown on smutty fics I am moving most of my stories to this other site, I will leave the ones I have already up but expect them to end up deleted eventually. :( Anyways, please enjoy and please R&R, still loving reviews. :)

Sometimes the hardest memories are the sweetest, sometimes we can unintentionally mislead those we love.

The Hardest Memories

There were many things that annoyed Remus Lupin, one of them was sat opposite him, lounging gracefully in a chair by a roaring fire. It wasn't the fact that Sirius Black was gazing sulkily into the fire, it was the fact that after over twelve years of being convinced that he had betrayed two of their best friends, Remus now found himself realising that no matter how angry he was, Sirius would always hold his heart.

"I assumed it would not be so awkward." He said, breaking that straining silence.

Sirius shrugged, sipping from the glass in his hand. "What did you expect? You were convinced I had sold out James..."

"I..." There was little he could say to that so he sighed and rubbed his temples. "We're adults, Sirius, we should be comporting ourselves with more dignity."

Sirius shrugged again. "Is that any reason to treat me as if we're strangers...after all those times..."

"That is past." Remus looked up, Sirius still refused to look at him. "Look, we were children, what we did back then was..."

"Wonderful? Freeing? Enjoyable?" Sirius suggested, taking another sip from his whiskey.

"Well...yes...but I..."

"Always with the but's Moony..." Finally he looked up, his gaze as sharp as it always had been. "I'm on the run from the Ministry, Harry's safe and under the gaze of Dumbledore, yet here you sit there trying to ignore our past."

"Sirius..." Remus began, but he trailed off as he realised he had no way of finishing that sentence.

Sirius looked up to contemplate the ceiling, one finger absently tracing the rim of his glass. "Do you remember it?" He asked softly, still not meeting Remus' eyes.

"Of course I do." Remus whispered and closed his own eyes.

"Then...did you like it? If you didn't you should have spoken up..."

"If I didn't like it I would have pushed you away the first time we..."

Sirius smiled nostalgically. "It was in the Charm's class room, not long before Christmas..."

XXX

"Sirius?" Remus pushed open the door to the classroom and saw Sirius stood on a chair, his tongue sticking between his teeth as he reached up with a feather duster and did battle with an abnormally large spider that was intent on staying put in its thick web.

"Come _on_ you little shit!" Sirius hissed, eyes narrowed in irritation. "Just. Get. Off!"

Then, several things happened in apparent slow motion, Sirius' eyes widened as the chair he was stood on slipped from beneath him, he let slip a wordless exclamation as the huge spider fell from its safe haven and dropped down his sleeve. Slowly he fell, the chair crashed to the floor and Sirius followed with a loud curse as he hit the stone floor, there was a loud crack and a soft whimper and before Remus could stop himself he was running to Sirius' side and kneeling down. "Siri?" he muttered, gazing down at the ball of black robes that was his best friend. "Sirius?"

Sirius groaned and when Remus tried to touch him he swore at him and pushed him away. "Go away..." he muttered, his voice harsh with pain. "Leave me alone..."

"You need the hospital wing...I'm sure Pomfrey will be able to sort it out, come on up you get."

Sirius turned his head further into his arm which cushioned it before breathing heavily through his nose. "No." He muttered. "I...I can deal with it...Just go."

"But..."

Sirius suddenly turned to him, his face flushed, his hair falling into eyes full of agony and humiliation. "Go!" He hissed, bearing his teeth in a snarl.

Remus sat there feeling utterly lost and confused, Sirius had never spoken to him like that before, he tried to reach for his shoulder again but found himself pushed away, with more than a little violence. "Sirius! You're hurt, you can't go around school with a shattered wrist!"

"I can! I'm not weak! I'm not...It's not like she says...I'm not _weak_!"

"Weak? Siri, no one would ever think that..."

Sirius curled into himself, cradling his rapidly swelling wrist close to his chest as agony throbbed through him, heating his face and body as if someone had set fire to his veins. He knew he should go and get himself fixed up, he knew none of his was Remus' fault, but he was still haunted by her voice. He could still see her face, twisted in disgust as she gazed down at her oldest son who had blood trickling down his face, mingling with the tears there...the remnants of his punishment for getting back late, his father was heavy handed with both his sons, yet Sirius tended to get the main brunt of his wrath. Sirius whimpered again, but bit down hard on his tongue, holding back the urge to scream. He wasn't weak. He could handle pain. He had to keep silent, because if he didn't his father would be back and this time he would bring out his belt...

"Sirius...are you...alright?" Remus asked gently, reaching out to touch his hair, but suddenly withdrawing and biting his lip.

"Fine..." Sirius whispered into the floor. "'M fine..." He tried to move but that sent agony shooting into his arm so he stilled, breathing heavily as he tried to overcome his pain, he wasn't weak. He _wasn't_.

Remus was at a loss, how could he help someone who didn't want help? Then he saw Sirius' shoulders shake and he realised, with a jolt that something terrible must have happened that summer. With a soft sigh he lifted his wand and pointed it at his friend. "Episkey." He whispered and he heard a crack and a grunt as Sirius' wrist healed. He smiled proudly to himself, he had only ever read about that particular spell so he was pleased he could pull it off.

Suddenly Sirius sat up and gazed at him with wide eyes, he blinked a few times before looking down at his arm, he wiggled his fingers experimentally before smiling weakly. "Thanks...I..."

"No problem, now, next time, just go to the hospital wing." Remus stood and helped Sirius to his feet, they heard the soft sound of scuttling feet against stone and Sirius saw the spider running towards the door.

"Little bugger..." He drew his wand and waved it, the spider suddenly froze and began changing into something that resembled Mistletoe, but instead of white berries it had eight eyes. Remus pulled a face.

"That's terribly disturbing, Sirius." He muttered as Sirius affixed the odd decoration to the ceiling above them. With his eyes on the ceiling he was unable to notice the sudden softness of Sirius' eyes, he didn't even realise that the way his friend was looking at him had changed until he felt a soft hand on his face and breath against his cheek, when he did look at him he was surprised to see how close he was. He wasn't uncomfortable with the invasion of his personal space, after all, Sirius did sometimes become clingy with all his friends, seeming to feel the need to be as close to them as possible especially in times of distress. He smiled into Sirius' eyes and felt that hand slide down his cheek to his neck where it lingered above his tie, barely brushing the material. "Sirius?" He whispered, feeling that the situation was a bit too intense for his liking.

"Remus..." Sirius replied, his voice low and rough, he spoke in a way he had heard him use around many others...but that was mostly in the dead of night with Peter's snores filling the dark dormitory...Sirius' lovers were many, even at fourteen he seemed to crave any kind of physical contact even if it was in the form of sex. Remus swallowed, but before he had time to think about what he was doing he was tipping his head to the side and leaning in to plant a soft, nervous and innocent kiss on those lips.

He pulled away quickly, ignoring the searing heat flooding his cheeks. "I...I...Merry Christmas..." He muttered and pulled away, he turned and almost ran for the door, his head full of the tantalising feel of Sirius' lips against his own, the heat of their bodies and the gentle feel of their mingled breath.

Sirius watched Remus go with an expression of mingled sadness and pain. "Merry Christmas Moony." He whispered before sighing and returning to complete his detention.

XXX

Remus gazed into the flames and sighed softly, he could never forget that first kiss, it was like a beam of sunlight in his head, and he could see Sirius' face as clearly as if it had happened yesterday. "Of course I remember." He whispered.

"Then why would you pretend it never happened?" Sirius replied, he knocked back his drink and winced slightly as it burnt his throat.

"I...Sirius, we're not children anymore."

"Didn't it even mean anything to you?" Sirius continued, ignoring Remus' lame excuses.

"Of course it did...I..."

"Then why?"

"Sirius! Stop."

"I won't stop until I get a satisfactory answer from you."

Remus closed his eyes, tipped his head back and shoved his fingers into his rapidly greying hair. "It hurts!" He said finally.

"I see." Sirius went quiet, watching his friend with eyes full of darkness, a darkness he had picked up in Azkaban. "So...you wouldn't want to...?"

"Not now...there's too much history, too many things have happened and I...I just can't."

"Do you...blame me?" Sirius' voice was almost too soft to hear over the crackle of flames and yet it seemed all the louder for the utter hopelessness in it. Remus opened his eyes and looked at his friend, he was slumped low in the chair his eyes reflecting the firelight and yet still retaining that tarnish of years of despair.

Remus licked his lips, deciding honesty was best. "I...Sirius...I don't blame you for James and Lily, how could anyone blame you for that?"

"I can. But that's not what I meant."

Remus knew, but answering was difficult. "I...I'm not sure...I..."

Sirius seemed to gain the truth from his eyes and he looked down at his hands as they twisted around the glass. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I never meant to betray you."

"Never meant...? Sirius...what did you do? Fall into his bed and out of your clothes? It was no accident." His voice broke and wavered and he barely held on to his tentative patience.

"No...no you're right...I meant to do it. I...I seduced him...but I..." He shook his head and closed his eyes. "I'm still sorry."

Remus turned sad eyes back to the fire. "As am I." He whispered...

XXX

Fifth year, as always, meant OWL's. Remus gazed down at his timetable after taking it from McGonagall. He could hear James exclaiming at the fact that Sirius had decided not to take many of the same subjects as him, Sirius ignored it with practised grace.

"Look Potter..." Sirius hissed as they began making their way towards their respective classes. "I am not your lap dog, I have my own life...now stop badgering me."

"But Pads, we promised to take the same lessons..."

Sirius shot him a side long glare. "That was before..." He muttered and speeded up to walk with Peter, leaving James staring at his back with an angry expression. Remus put a hand on his arm gently.

"James, it is his choice, leave him."

"I know but...I don't know, he's acting weird. I don't like it...something's happening that he's not telling us."

Remus followed James' gaze and he saw how Sirius' shoulders were tense, how he hardly paid anyone any mind and how he had a near constant, brooding frown on his face. Several first years scuttled out the way as he pushed his way through the crowds and disappeared...

It was still dark when Remus woke that night, he blinked slowly as he realised that something had woken him. As he sat up and looked around at the two beds at his sides he realised that Sirius was missing, with a huge yawn he slipped free of his duvet and put on his dressing gown against the chill. Slowly he walked down the stairs, trying to keep quiet.

The common room was empty except for a figure sitting curled up before the dying fire, Remus recognised Sirius immediately but he never moved to his side. He watched and suddenly realised he was crying softly, his shoulders shook and his sobs seemed suddenly loud in Remus' ears. He bit down on his lip as pity filled his heart.

Sirius wiped the unstoppable tears from his eyes roughly. "I don't want to..." He whispered but saw his father's fury in his mind's eye, quickly he shoved hands into his hair and squeezed his eyes shut. "Not weak. Not weak. Black's do not cry! Black's aren't weak!" He swallowed the painful lump in his throat and shook his head. "Why am I wrong?" He whispered. He had, for years, tried to discover who he was. Was he the Pureblood, with endless amounts of pride and a cruel streak, or was he the bloodtraitor, the rebel...? He continued to lose himself, every time he came close to who he thought he was, something would come along and blow it out of the water. He spent most of his days confused, in a state of half-being, he had no idea who he was anymore...his parents said one thing, his friends another...Who was Sirius Black?

Remus sighed softly, careful not to alert Sirius to his presence. His hand rested on the wall, and when his friend let out a particularly loud sob he couldn't hold back anymore, he descended the stairs and crept in and carefully he sat down and pulled Sirius to his side.

"Who am I Moony?" Sirius asked softly, staring into the flames with tears clinging to his eyelashes. "Tell me who I am..."

"No one can do that." Remus said as he gently stroked Sirius' arm with his fingers. "You need to discover that for yourself."

Sirius pushed hair from his eyes and leaned on his friend heavily, burying his face into that soft brown hair. "My mum says that I should hate people like you." He said softly, lifting a hand and pushing it into Remus' hair. "Should I hate you?" they looked deep into each other's eyes. "Why? Why should I hate you...and others like you? Half-blood's, Muggleborns...I don't understand...they haven't done anything to me...but If I don't hate them, I get punished...I don't know what's right and wrong anymore...Tell me what I should believe...because I don't _know_ anymore."

Remus shook his head slowly, but he smiled as he pressed his forehead to Sirius'. "You don't need to hate anyone if you don't want to, Sirius." He said softly, despising his own helplessness.

"That's rubbish." Sirius pulled away and stood up, his pyjama bottoms were black and he wore the top open so it revealed his bare chest, he was slender but well built even at the awkward age of fifteen. His hair was in an untidy plait that hung over one shoulder, he began pacing slightly, chewing his lip and frowning. "My parents insist that I am supposed to be a 'Black'...but what does that even mean? When I was twelve I made the mistake of playing with a muggle girl in the same street...when my mother found out she shut me in a cupboard until I was crying and screaming to be released..." He turned his eyes onto Remus who found nothing to say. "The dark is a scary place, Remus...when you can't see anything beyond your own hand and then something unknown runs across your foot...I wasn't allowed food either...just water. Remus..." He fell to his knees, his eyes begging silently for help. "I don't know what to do anymore! They want me to believe in blood purity, to even help with the rise of Wizarding kind over muggles...if I do...If I-I were to join...The Dark Lord, they would be proud of me, wouldn't they? Would they love me like they do Reg? Would they actually smile at me and tell me what a wonderful, good son I am?"

Sirius' desperation was almost too much, Remus couldn't stop the rise of overwhelming pity within his chest. "Sirius...is that what you want? Do you want to join the Death Eaters?"

Sirius frowned and looked away. "I know the spells, Remus." He whispered, his voice barely audible. "I know the spells they use...I know what would be asked of me..."

"But can you do it? Would you be able to give up everything and join a cause you hate just for approval?"

He looked back up at him and sighed. "I don't know...I...I don't know what to do...Remus...I'm so lost."

"This isn't something I can help you with, Siri...I'm sorry."

Sirius was on his feet again, this time he gazed longingly out the window. "I want to fly, Remus." He whispered softly. "Just...take off into the sky and never come back...I want to leave everything."

"Even James?" It wasn't something he was planning to say, it slipped past Remus' lips without conscious thought and he went pink when he heard it.

Sirius looked at him, his eyes heavily lidded. "James is...Special." He said softly. "James is...beautiful and...and he's perfect...he's my brother, best friend and..." He fell silent, leaving that last 'and' hovering in the air between them. "My mother sent me a letter, did you know?" He pointed at a crumpled peice of parchment lying desolately on the carpet. Remus bent and picked it up, he looked at Sirius who wasn't paying attention to him, so he un-crumpled it and read the neat, perfect script.

_Sirius,_

_Your father and I have heard that you have become close to the Potter boy, we must say that we disprove of your association with him, it is a disgrace that you are friends with such a well known bloodtraitor. Please, in future consider the wider ramifications of your friend choices, we have been contacted by dear Bellatrix who has insisted that she will not allow her cousin to be seen in the company of such filth. Remember, do not besmirch our good name, you are not only risking your own reputation but that of your father and your cousins. _

_When you come home this summer we wish to speak to you about an arranged marriage, we have chosen a suitable partner and if the meet goes well we shall arrange the engagement._

_Your mother, Walburga._

"An arranged Marriage?" Remus looked up with a frown. "But you're only fifteen..."

Sirius shrugged, even that simple gesture he managed to turn into an art. "Social propriety demands that the heir of the household marry at the age of sixteen, my birthday is approaching and mother has decided it is high time she marry me off to some random stranger. I will, of course, be expected to marry one of my myriad of cousins and seal the deal with the bedding, then she will want grandchildren...to continue the line."

"Incest?" Remus pulled a face of disgust and Sirius smiled at him pityingly.

"Remus, my own parents were cousins...all the pureblood families are interrelated, as you know. James's mother is my Great Aunt, making James yet another distant cousin. I really don't have much of a choice in the matter, if I don't make a suitable pureblood marriage I will be blasted off the tree and disinherited, making Regulus the sole heir to the Black fortunes, and making him responsible for everything..." He looked back out the window with a sigh. "I'm not sure if I can dump all that on his tiny shoulders."

Remus fell quiet, he didn't know how he could help. "I'm sorry...I had no idea."

"I don't blame you." Sirius moved closer, in two sharp steps he was inches away from Remus, he smoothed hair back from his eyes and smiled. "I don't think I'll be able to marry, Remus..."

"Why?" Remus found himself captured and bound in Sirius' eyes, they were all at once dark and haunting yet there was a tenderness there that he rarely saw.

"Because I..." His smile was as sweet as nectar and he leaned close, whispering in his ear. "Because I'm gay, Remus."

XXX

Sirius gazed into the flames, remembering...utterly lost in his memories of his childhood, a childhood he had lost the day he had signed up for the Order of the Phoenix. He could feel Remus watching him, so many terrible years later and he still felt as lost and helpless as he had at the age of fifteen. He had hoped that as he grew up he would find out what he wanted and who he was, but he had deluded himself. He was still just as confused now as he had been then. Only now it was different, now at thirty six he was older and the ravages of his sins were etched permanently on his face. When he looked into the mirror he could no longer see that young, handsome boy...now there was only a skeleton, a skeleton who had seen the corpse of his best friend lying in the hallway of that cottage, the skeleton of that twenty one year old boy who had screamed, screamed so loudly that he had torn his throat. Now, he was little more than a walking, talking corpse, because the day he saw James' body, was the day that Sirius Black had died for good, only to be replaced by his ghost, a shadow man who sometimes couldn't distinguish between a fourteen year old boy and his dead best friend.

"Sirius, what are you thinking?" Remus asked after the silence had gone on for too long.

"James." Sirius whispered hoarsely. "I'm...thinking about James...and Harry..."

"Harry's a good boy..."

"So much like his father." Sirius looked up and Remus felt his agony, years upon years of guilt and pain and an undying love that had very nearly destroyed all three of them. "R-Remus...I...Sometimes, when I see him...I...I find it hard to...to tell them apart..."

"They're not the same." Remus shook his head slowly.

"I know but...they are. James is...he lives...he lives on in his son..." He closed his eyes, he felt so old, old and wasted, old and weak and battered and bruised...he was too old for this pain, his body was too weak to cope with the strain...he was too old to be sobbing helplessly into his hands in front of his best friend. "He's gone...He's gone...R-Remus...it's all my fault...I-I killed James Potter..." Once again he was drowning in his emotions, drowning in his sorrow and self pity and self disgust.

Remus went to him, he knelt and took Sirius' hands. "You didn't." He said quietly. "Sirius, no one blames you except you...even Harry doesn't blame you."

Sirius snuffled pathetically, he had always been unstable but since his long stay in Azkaban he had lost all sense of control and his emotions were wild, they were intense and he felt more like a child every day. "But it's my fault!"

"Sirius, it wasn't. You made a mistake, placed your trust in an untrustworthy person...please, stop blaming yourself."

Sirius looked at Remus through his fringe, he lifted his hand and stroked his cheek. "I miss him."

"We all do, Sirius, we all miss him..." Remus heard the bitterness in his own voice. "But...James hasn't really left us."

Sirius nodded slowly and put his hand on his heart. "I know..."

XXX

The explosion left everything covered in luminous green slime, most students were exclaiming in horror as they tried to avoid touching the sticky substance, but James and Sirius were in hysterics. Remus managed to keep his face in a stern frown, he could feel the stuff slipping down the back of his robes and almost shuddered, but it was eclipsed by James and Sirius' smiles.

They got detention that evening for that stunt, Slughorn had been horrified to find that they had blown up nearly all of the cauldrons at once, and that left Remus with Peter to study in the library. It was nearly midnight as he finally packed away his stuff, Peter having gone to bed with a headache. As he was walking through the towering shelves he heard a strange noise, with a frown he walked forward, trying to keep each foot fall silent...

"Jamie...what are we...mmm..."

"Hush, Pad's we'll be caught...relax so I can...that's it..."

The quiet was broken by a soft noise, as if someone was moaning in pleasure. Remus froze as he neared the end of the aisle and peered in between some books into the next...and there they were, Padfoot and Prongs, together as Remus had never seen them before. Sirius was bent forward over a desk, his trousers yanked down to his ankles to expose his white bottom, James was stood behind him, his hands doing something Remus couldn't see. Sirius' face was obvious as he turned his head to look at James over his shoulder, his cheeks were flushed prettily, a gentle pink that highlighted his cheekbones. "James..." he whispered hoarsely as James leaned down and Remus assumed they were kissing. Quickly he backed away, tripping inelegantly over a pile of books, he fell to the floor and lay still, sprawled like a starfish as he gazed blindly up at the ceiling. He couldn't understand what this tight feeling in his chest was, he simply couldn't understand why seeing Sirius with James hurt so much. Yes, Sirius had come out to him first, but what did that mean? Probably nothing to Sirius, but to Remus it had been a confession, an act of trust and maybe he had imagined that Sirius had been expecting something from him that night, and he had just stood there, mouth open and gaped stupidly at him while that small glimmer of hope shone in those silver eyes...until Remus had finally stepped away, pulling free of Sirius' grasp. Maybe he had imagined it, but then, why did it hurt?

"What was that?"

"Shit...I thought we were alone."

"James, get off...let's go see..."

"But I wanted to know what it's like! You said we could..." James sounded disappointed.

"We can do it again another time...people could be watching."

"That's never bothered you before according to Silas."

The air was still as Remus heard Sirius splutter. "H-How...?"

"The rumours are vicious in Hogwarts, mate...even you know that. Silas isn't a guy you can trust, you know, everyone's heard about how he fucked you in the Prefects bathroom with four of his friends."

"James! Why didn't you tell me he'd said this?"

"I sorted him out for it..." James sounded as if he was grinning. "I gave him a nice chastity belt to help him remember to keep it in his pants, it electrocutes anyone who tries to take it off."

"That is amusing, but I'd preferred to have been told...you know if this gets back to my brother..."

"Hush, Siri, it won't...I promise you. I put a spell on him, if he so much as tries to speak a word of what happened, even if it's to just confirm it, his tongue will stick to the roof of his mouth for an hour...I'm your best mate, do you really think I'd let him hurt you?"

"No...no I suppose not..."

Remus listened to the soft sounds of two people kissing and inside his chest his heart broke, after finally managing to escape the Library, after having to negotiate his way through the book shelves listening to the most arousing noises he had ever heard, he ran back to the common room as fast as he could go.

When he had made it to his bed and into his pyjama's he gazed up at the canopy, hearing those noises play around his head. If he closed his eyes he could almost picture what Sirius' face would look like as he came and he couldn't stop his hand from reaching down into his pyjama bottoms, he was so hard it didn't take much to make him cum and when he did he felt guilt rapidly replace the exalting post-orgasm feeling so he rolled onto his side and curled into a tight ball, squeezing his eyes shut and wishing he had never known...wishing that instead of James Sirius had come to him first...

XXX

Sirius turned his glass slowly in his hands, his long hair fell into his face, obscuring it so Remus couldn't see his expression. "I...remember each time one of us went on a mission, we would always give each other instructions on what to do..."

Remus smiled. "At one point James wanted us to plaster the walls of Hogwarts with his name and picture...in tribute to the finest prankster who ever lived." He said fondly, and he was pleased to see a small smile on Sirius' lips too.

"I think you just wanted a quiet funeral, then you wanted us to remember you by getting drunk."

"I'd like that." Remus said softly. "And you...you wanted the whole country to have a party."

Sirius chuckled bitterly. "Not now they won't...no one grieves over murderers."

XXX

The sky was dark as the four of them crowded together in the street, Sirius put his arms around James, drawing him close. "Come back." He whispered into his ear and pressed his forehead against him. "Come back...promise me."

"We'll all come back." Remus said softly.

Peter looked frightened. "But...what if we don't?"

Sirius looked at him. "We will...because there is no other choice. If we die out there, who's going to mourn us?"

"My mum." Peter replied.

The other three looked at each other gravely. "If I die...well, I suppose Lily will grieve." James whispered. "But other than her...I don't have anyone else, not now...not since..."

Sirius grabbed him, holding his hair tightly. "You are staying alive...and if one of us dies, then we will mourn each other. We'll grieve and avenge each other..."

"Sounds like a plan, Padfoot old friend." James replied with a smile. He turned his head and pulled Remus into the embrace, they wrapped their arms around each other and pressed their heads together. "Our first serious mission as members of the Order...Christ...I've never been so fucking scared in my life."

"We all are, James...but we'll fight anyway." Remus said quietly. "We'll fight and we'll all return."

"Yeah...we will." Sirius said, his hands clenching into fists on his friends shoulders. "We'll come back alive."

They had all returned from that mission, and the next and the one after that. But each time they returned they came with more injuries, with more stories of bloodshed and terrible violence, they came back and embraced, they came back and cried into each other's shoulders as they remembered the screams, the lights, the explosions, they cried because they were glad to still be alive.

One day Sirius and James returned from a mission with blood spattered across their faces and hands, Sirius collapsed to his knees before Remus, gripping the front of his robes as he shook violently. "They...they got him...R-Remus...they g-got B-Benjy..."

James' face twisted with grief. "It was...horrible..." He croaked and turned his head as two Auror's were carrying a white covered stretcher, Remus felt his chest tighten as he saw a small woman run screaming into the road, falling to her knees as Dumbledore put a hand on her shoulder.

"His wife." James whispered needlessly as the woman screamed again as the men tried to pick up her husband's body again. She threw herself across it and Sirius turned away, closing his eyes as if afraid to look.

"Don't let me die like that." He whispered. "Please, if I...I don't want to suffer."

"We won't let you die...no one's going to die, Padfoot." James said, crouching at his side and pulling him close, he wrapped him in his arms, smearing dried blood across his already dirty face.

"James!" Lily cried, running as fast as she could from the safe house of the Order, James stood and spun on his heel as he grabbed her, pulling her into his arms as he kissed her deeply.

"I'm home, Lily."

Sirius watched the scene with blank eyes even as Lily turned to him and smiled. "Thank Merlin you came home safe." She whispered gently.

XXX

He had never told him, in all the years they had known each other, even lived together for a small portion of that time, he had never once let Sirius know how he truly felt. They had been together, or tried to have a relationship together, for a few years until they had let themselves descend into darkness, until the day Sirius had looked at him and told him he could no longer trust him. But now, as they stood on the doorstep of number twelve Grimmaul Place Remus suddenly grabbed Sirius by the robes and pushed him roughly against the door, Sirius' eyes widened before he felt lips against his. When Remus drew away he looked sad and yet he was smiling as he reached up and touched his face. "I have always loved you, Sirius."

Neither of them had realised that that would be the beginning of the end, neither one could have known that Sirius' life was now little more than a clock, ticking away his life minute by minute.

Remus had always known that Sirius had loved James, he had loved him with a fierceness that went unrivalled, but only twice had he ever had the chance to show him that love. Only twice had James consented to sleeping with him, once out of pure curiosity, and a second time one drunken night on a full moon. Remus remembered...

XXX

Remus pushed open the door, the moon had set and the first sign of dawn was creeping into the horizon, he was looking forward to falling into bed and snuggling beneath the covers and feeling Sirius wrap his arms around him. But as he stepped into the flat he heard a noise that sent pain lancing into his heart, his eyes widened and he froze as scents assaulted his overly sensitive nose.

"Oh Christ! Potter that's...that's good..."

"Is it here? Do you like that?"

"Nnn...Merlin, yes! Oh...if you k-keep going...I-I'll..."

"Sirius...Sirius...You're so tight..."

There was silence for a moment and yet Remus could hear them kissing, he could hear all the sounds as they fucked. Their moans got louder, Remus was unable to stop his feet from taking him into the bedroom, he looked in through the open door and what he saw made his body flush with heat and yet his heart went as cold as ice; Sirius was on his back, his legs wrapped around James' waist as he thrust into him, their moans were muffled by the fact that they were kissing feverishly and Remus could tell Sirius was about to come...and when he did his voice rose to the ceiling, he cried out James' name.

That night he had left. That night he had gone straight to Lily, who had comforted him, yet he was unable to tell her why he was upset, he couldn't destroy her as well...and so that secret would die with him.

When he next saw Sirius it was in their little kitchenette, making a cup of strong coffee with shaking hands, he didn't even look up as Remus entered. "Was he good, Sirius?" Remus found himself saying, he didn't want to hurt him, he didn't want to feel that sickening anger rise within him, but he couldn't stop.

Sirius looked at him with the eyes of a corpse. "It was." He whispered and looked away again. "You know, you have no right to be angry."

"No right to...? Sirius, we were a couple!"

"Couple?" Sirius snorted. "And I'm the bloody queen of England. Remus, we were never a couple. Couple's tell each other everything, couples don't just fuck."

Remus went silent at that, what could he say? He had never told him. Sirius assumed that his silence meant he didn't feel anything, Sirius assumed they were just shagging. Yet, that night as they crawled beneath their sheets, Remus couldn't help crawling on top of Sirius and roughly seizing a handful of that tangled hair, he couldn't stop his hand from going between their bodies and stroking them to hardness. He couldn't stop turning Sirius onto all fours and entering him, he closed his eyes and wished they could for once have sex while looking at each other. But when Sirius came he did so with a strangled groan, spraying his seed over the bed before collapsing, Remus rolled away, spent yet as unsatisfied as if it had never happened and he felt Sirius leave him alone.

XXX

Sirius' depression was understandable, yet Remus only wished that he could be with him. He had no choice, he was needed with the underground Werewolf clans, but each time he returned Sirius had sunk deeper. Sirius spent more time with Buckbeak, finding it easier to be around a perfectly non-judgemental animal as he gazed out at the street and remembered his horrific child hood and his best friend, his first love and the man he should have died for.

One day, as the summer heat filled the house so that Sirius had opened every single window, Remus caught him staring out of one. He walked up behind him and leaned over to follow his gaze. "What are you looking at?" He asked.

"Nothing." Sirius turned and faced his friend, his eyes as dark and dead as they had been in Azkaban. "Remus...do you regret it?" He whispered hoarsely.

"Regret what?" Remus replied, feeling Sirius' fingers sliding up into his hair as he pulled himself closer.

"Us."

"Never." Remus said, that answer was easy, it was as easy as responding to the tender kiss that Sirius left on his lips. It was as easy as falling when he wrapped his arms around him, pulling their bodies closer, it was almost sinfully easy to pull off his clothes, to push him to the carpet and take him there. He devoured Sirius' sharp hisses of mingled pain and pleasure, he muttered harsh curses in his ear, he whispered obscene things, things that in reality he would never say. But this wasn't reality, this was surely some wonderful, beautiful dream, because there was simply no way they should be doing this in the hallway of the base for the Order. It was just so, so wrong...but so perfectly right.

Sirius arched his back off the carpet, his mind, for once, blissfully blank as he felt Remus moving inside him. He closed his eyes and he could actually imagine that this was what happiness must feel like, it was like a sharp, almost painful bubbling in his chest and before he knew it he was crying. The tears slipped down his cheeks as he opned his eyes and reached up, drawing Remus down to his lips as he grabbed his hair tightly. "Remus...It's always been you." He gasped, hardly aware of what he was saying as he moved in tandem with his lovers hips. "Even when I got James, even as he made cum...I was always thinking of you."

Remus gazed down into those eyes and felt his heart shatter, he leaned down and kissed him roughly. "You fucking bastard." He muttered, feeling the pleasure building between them rapidly. "I love you...I love y-you so fucking much..."

Sirius gasped and tried not to close his eyes as he smiled. "I love you too..."

They kissed as their orgasms hit them both at seemingly the same moment, they came together, devouring each other's cries.

And so, when he saw him falling, the very next day, he remembered those words. When he watched, in horrified fascination as his best friend, his lover fell through the veil and ripped out his heart, taking it with him into the afterlife, he did not cry, he couldn't...because all he could hear, all he could think about were those words;

I love you too.


End file.
